It's good to be on top. I've been kept in hiding my entire life. Truth be told, I'm still hiding behind that people, behind that mask, the only differnce is, now I'm hiding in plain sight. They can see me... but they don't know who I am. People can keep on talking, they can rub anything they want in my face and I'll take it with a smile. People don't like being treated like freaks but they're all freaks, too. Wearing a mask. No one shows their true face, ever. Mask hide reality. Or we becomewho we pretend to be. I hate when friends or family tell me "this is not you" but no one can tell me who I am cause they do not know the real me. There is little difference between obstacle and opportunity.
Entrepreneurs understand that and are able to turn both to their advantage. To become that Entrepreneur I need the other me. The one that would shed a gallon of his own blood for just a taste of his enemy's the one thats can shake the earth with his words. I hate how in life people belittled me, how they make me look weak but one day I'll show them what I really am. I'm make them remember my name. Sometimes people ask me is that the best you can do, but you don't want to know the answer to that question. But here's the thing that people don't understand. You can reach the top in an istant. You can burn and kill and lie your way there overnight. But to stay...to become something more than a puppet, you have to build a foundation. Deep roots, Allies, Promises, Debts. Not every revolution beings with a bang. Sometimes just a whisper. Blood doesn't make you a prince, and it won't build you an empire. But knowing the right people sure as hell will. My father is a respected man. What does that make me? He never sought attention for what he did...But he got it, anyway. Everyone loves a respectible perosn. As a boy my father wasn't there for me when I needed him the most both my mother and father where always gone. I thought that I had to love my father more and excel to his expections so that he'd notice me. But I'm not a boy anymore and I get jealous when people say why I not like my father. But the thing is I'm not my father nor will I ever be like him and follow in his foot steps like everyone wants me too. Only now does it occur to me that maybe I wasn't jealous of people trying to comepare me to my father, I was jealous of him being who he is. Maybe that's why I done the things I've done. "Watch yourself" My dad would say. "Watch what you become". But it's so easy to fall. Everyone has a little mysteries about themselves. We're filled with them. From birth to death we live in our own precious heads, isolated, sometimes too isolated. People hardly know themselves. All those walls. We build the maze and make our home there. Some of us know the paths through our minds, and sometimes we need a map. Sometime I can't tell what part of me is real..or an act. Maybe all of it or nothing. A mystery. You only learn about yourself by seeing your reflection in another perosn's eyes. You can't see your true face in a vacuum, you don't love in a vacuum, you don't suffe, or kill, or feel joy. You're not tested when you're alone. You just drift in the illusion of your best self. Who you think you are. Without a single person or action to show you otherwise. I always wonder what people see when they look in the mirror. But In wonder what people see in me. I've played the game. I've smiled and laughed, because I wanted to. Because thats the kind of charming man people want to see. But I always knew what I was doing. Beware charm. Beware smiles from men. Look for those daggers on the tongue. I always look for daggers. I look for truth but sometimes the truth is hard to come by. Like I said before we all wear mask. No one shows thier true face ever. Mask hide reality. But I already knew that. I thought I knew that. I made a mistake. I forgot what happens when you look too deep. So look for daggers, search for truth. But only if you can handle what you find. I heard a man once say that you can't tell the size of your God by looking at the size of your worries. Larger your worries, the smaller your God. I tend to worry a lot about a lot of things like what would people think of me and how will I provide for my family. You worry so much that you tend to forget that there even is a God. My Mother always says "Put your trust in the Lord and he will provide' but where was he at when I felt so alone, where was he when I need the love form my family. The only time I felt the feeling of love (if I even wanna call it that) was when I slept around with many girls in high school. I always look towards God for help and guidence but I never got it. And when I really truely found love I was always betrayed and left empty inside. It's not till I found my wife and her wonderful family when I found true joy and happiness. For the first time in years I felt like I belonged. But as much as I fear and hope never to happen I say to myself "What does it matter when the outcome is the same, either way? Go or stay, win or lose...someday where all doomed. I told you all in different ways. But none of you listened. So here I am following the game to its last movement. How it ends doesn't matter. This is just the beginning. Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. A good distraction for a while. But so limited. I learned in the Army that you lose your right as a person that you now belong to the government and you as a person are there property now. Not that I have issues with being in the military, it has its Pros and Cons but the fact that your subjected to whatever they have you do ticks me off. Some individuals like to abuse that power and make you feel like shit that your not worth living. I felt that way for the longest time if there is anything that I resent from the army it would be the leaders appointed to me. But everyone falls, how you fall is more important than the fall itself. Land on your feet get back up or die, we can only decide that for ourselves. Within my consciouness rages two warring impulses, the first to build and the second to destroy. I'm blind to the fact that these impulses are not separate but unified. But I must choose a path for it is my destiny and the beginning of something new. My whole life I've been shown no mercy. Trained, molded to be one way. One way only. Anyone else would have broken but not me. The pain made me stronger. The pain I gave others gave me pleasure. Pain and power and control over my life. Control over the world around me. The only pleasure I was allowed, my only pleasure now. Fate is not quite as strange as it appears. What a man thinks of himself is what determines his life. Character is fate. Desire is fate and we are each our own architects. So I choose to keep my mask on and never let the world see who I truely am cause I choose to be the masked man a honest careing and loving man. Never will I take off my mask to show the world the the pain and suffering person I use to be that had so much hatered towards everyone and the world. My fate is now in the hands of my dearling wife and the family I grew to love cause without her and them I would have nothing in this world but my material possitions. I know that my life is yet from over but whatever time I have left in this world I will make the best of and always remember the good memeroies and all the love and support I had over the years cause in the end that would be the only thing I will hold on too when I feel that the world has given up on me.
